And that's a fact!

First and foremostly, if y'all don't know my Wino Whit, meet her now, because she's awesome. Secondly, if Whitney says Link up, I say Send me some HTML, biatch. Similar to how when she says Yoga pants and wine, I say How tight and fill 'er up.
It's just that I kinda love her. So when she suggested this great "The Facts of Me" link-up, where we blawgers jot down random shit about ourselves that we presumptuously think people care about, I was all aboard faster than I was on the Hot Mess Express this weekend! Choo chooooooo!
Y'all, prepare yourself to be hit with some factoids of epic proportion. I'm TERRIFIED of birds Sad, hilarious, and awful all wrapped into one. I got chased by a goose when I was three, and then had a bad encounter with our national Wingman when I was seven-ish. Recipe for disaster. Birds are twitchy and unpredictable, the smell of wet feathers is nauseating, and their beady eyes make me wanna punch something. And then they also wanna take my food, and Alexa just doesn't share noms. Once at Disney World, a bird swooped near our table and I almost spilled my entire beer across the table ~ directly onto my MIL's lap... Screw you, avian assholes.
Insomnia is a total bitch, who happens to really like hanging out with me. I'm pretty sure she and Ambien are in cahoots, and I'm trying to break up their friendship, STAT.
I'm ridiculously proud to have my B.A. in English Lit. And I'll call you and yo mamma out on grammar all day errr day.

Nerd alert.

I don't use any makeup or products that have been tested on animals. Burt's Bees, Yes To Carrots, and Paul Mitchell are a few of my favorite "kind" brands. I made the decision to switch to all cruelty-free products last year after seeing article after article about animal testing labs {If you have a weak stomach and a big heart, just take my word for it. The pictures hurt my soul.} and not being able to fathom contributing to such a practice.  My Buggins appreciates it, too!  :)

"Gracias, Mommy! I give kisses as thanks." Also, she speaks Spanish?

I hate costumed "people." I was once so scared of the mall Easter Bunny that I escaped my Mimi's clutches and hid in the clothing racks of the nearest JCPenney, shaking like a cray leaf. I also wrapped my four-year-old self around the under-table pole, stripper style, at Chuck E. Cheese's once, because that mouse is more terrifying than Michelle Obama's eyebrows.
I'm extremely routine-oriented. I can't get into bed unless I've gone through my whole nightly routine. Even when I'm wastey-facestey, I still somehow pull my shit together and wash off my makeup. Crusty morning eyes ain't so hot.
On that note, I gag at the word "crusty." But not as much as I cringe at the word "panties." And don't even get me started on MOIST. Excuse me while I go vomit up my meals from the past five days.
I'm a closet adrenaline junkie. Skydiving will happen before I pop bambinos out of my hoo-ha, and I also wanna drive 200 mph on the German autobahn in a sleek car I could never afford. Like, ever.
I'm obsessed with my teeth. I drink everything through straws in order to keep my pearlies white. And I also have receding gums and sensitive toofies, so I treat them like they're worth a million bucks.

I also always wear a hair tie on my wrist, so I guess I'm in middle school.

My biggest pet peeve is bad breath. If that can even be considered a pet peeve. But I just find it disgusting and don't understand how someone can't know they have ass stench coming from their mouth. If I'm around a person with bad breath, I chew tons of gum in hopes that it will {1} give them the hint, and {2} somehow put me in a minty-fresh bubble of stank protection! Go, Go, Gadget Listerine!
I like tattoos, A LOT. Glenn actually calls me Kat Von D. I have 4 tattoos and promised him I was done for almost ever... But I'm always coming up with new ideas.
My natural hair is wavy and has a brain of its own. My super thick hair was straight my entire life until I turned 14, and then it got these awkward random waves that have since taken up permanent residence on my cabeza. Thanks, hormones. But I hate straightening my hair, so it dries naturally more often than not. I just don't usually let the paparazzi take my picture then.

Not wavy, not straight. Just messaaaay.

I was a super awkward kiddo. When I was 10, I went through a phase where I cut my hair into an earlobe-length bob and I wore mid-calf socks that I walked around pulling up constantly. It's truly a wonder I ever made it to prom.

Disney World, because I needed to send my costume phobia into overdrive. Pre-haircut, but check the socks at the bottom. And that sexy belly-button-high short I'm sporting... Oh, yes'm. 
My dream job is to become a Professional Dog Trainer. Victoria Stillwell is my girly crush, because she's just so amazing. I love dogs more than I love humans {except you, Glenn, I promise ;)} and would love to work with them one day.  Realistically, I'll have my own training business and train family dawgy dawgs. But ideally, I dream about training K-9 Unit police dogs, service dogs {seeing-eye, seizure alert, Autism assistance, etc.}, and therapy dogs that visit nursing homes and hospitals.
Is your randomness detector beeping like crazy right about now? Ding ding ding ding ding.
Also linking up with Gangsta Lene and Tell Me About It Tuesday  :)